Saturday, February 19, 2011
Anxiety
Since this is my journal, a place for my feelings and thoughts in regards to our adoption I must say.... this anxiety is KILLING me! Literally, I went to the doctor thinking I had strep, since I have been around so much of it... The doctor looked at me and said, "how much stress are you under?" Gee... do I look that bad. Basically, I have stressed myself sick. If you aren't in the adoption world you might not understand. The steps it takes once you get your referral seem to take forever!!!! I have so many emotions going on. Someone asked me if I was worried about Lauren's health. That isn't it... I want to go get her, bring her home, love her and move on with our life. I feel like we have been "doing" adoption for 8 years in all from Emma to Lauren and I am over it! I feel like I am going to just drown! I also worry and I know this might be shocking about Emma. I know she wants to be a big sister and I think in the end she will be great but I worry about her with all of this. She has had us all to herself for 6 years... that's a long time! My hope is that since she is 7 years old she will understand more and have less sibling issues. I worry about having 2 children. Can I get it all done? If you know me personally you know how I am. I am an organized, scheduled, on task person. I am rigid... I know that I will need to lighten up, but how? With Emma, we didn't miss a meal time, I even took fresh cooked veggies to restaurants for her, we didn't miss a nap, NO matter where we were or what we were doing we were home for nap at the right time. This is how I roll... well with 2, I have a feeling that won't be happening. Emma has activities... Mark works full time and is in school... It's me that will have to get it all done and I am good with that. Dont' get me wrong... I am by NO MEANS regretting this! I am VERY excited to bring our daughter home! Just nervous about how this will all work. Funny how the things I should be worried about, Lauren's surgery and recovery just don't bother me. I am worried about those first nights with her. Will she handle the transition from a foster family to us like Emma did? Emma was so happy to have a family and food that she was a dream. I have a gut feeling that Lauren is going to grieve heavily and I worry about that. I worry about how we will all handle it. How will Emma handle it? I can't remember worrying about this stuff with Emma. We were clueless about it, I think I liked that better. I know that isn't better for all involved but I didn't have to catch my breath every ten minutes from being stressed over it all. I just hope and pray that it will all be great. Lauren will be a ok. Emma will be ok. Mark will be ok. AND ME... I will be OK!
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At the risk of sounding like a greeting card, whatever will be will be, and worrying will not make it better, worse, or different. You just do the best you can and take care of yourself so that you're able to care for those around you.
ReplyDeleteRuby
PS-It gets better!
The advantage of our adoption is that our girls are still young. Normally, the adjustment should be made well enough.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it will take letting go of some stuff, because 2 children is not as with only 1 child!
Do not worry, I'm sure you prepare your daughter to receive her big sister so she knows the day will be different but so rewarding and special.
Courage, the meeting will be held soon!
Sincerely,
Suzie
Just breathe. Everything will work itself out. Right now it is most important that you focus on taking care of yourself. Whatever time you think you have just try to relax and enjoy any quite moments...special times with your husband and Emma....and also pamper yourself. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteDonna
I can completely identify! Each step brings its own anxiety and stress. Then that step is over only to have a new one begin. I get it. Totally! I think it is the not knowing and ever-present unpredictability that can just drive you to the edge. Take care of yourself. One thing I have tried to remind myself of is that any time I have for myself (and that isn't much!) will soon be nonexistant as I take care of our new little one. And by the way, we are hoping to travel in April as well. Maybe we will see you in China!
ReplyDeleteKathleen,
ReplyDeleteYOU...are a wonderful mother..things will be diffrent with two...but I know, Emma will be so happy being a big sister, she will be like having a built in baby sitter. Little people like little people and I know Lauren will probably bond with her quickly..and vice versa...Once you have Lauren in your arms all the anxiety you feel right now will disappear..